er than what we've talked about, you know, being hindered and late and trapped, unable to get home, what kinds of things make you uncomfortably nervous?
- When my partner is cranky.
- When my partner talks about how bad our financial situation is - I start blaming myself for being out of work last year.
- When I think about not making a cutoff, or deadline.
When something goes wrong at work, even if its not my fault.
- When someone looks at me funny.
- When I take a test.
- When my boss wants to talk to me.
- Sometimes I just get a funny feeling that I've done something wrong, but I don't know what, and something terrible will happen, and it will be all my fault.
Well, you now, I try talking to myself and telling myself, "this isn't your fault, you haven't done anything wrong, you don't need to fix this, et cetera," but it doesn't help much. Even himself, he tells me to stop worrying about trying to make him feel better, he gets moody, it's not my fault. Inside me, I know this, but there's that awful feeling, still.
I keeping hearing a repeating theme: you worry that things are your fault. When you're feeling nervous, what goes through your mind?
It's my fault. It's all my fault. I've done something wrong. Now I have to fix it. Or, if there's nothing concrete, but I feel like something bad is about to happen, then I have to stop it from happening.Fix it?
Well, you know, growing up I was always the smart kid, and I had it pretty easy, so but I had trouble focusing a lot, paying attention, sitting still. I was a hyper little shit. My dad usually would say, or not say, but sort of indicate, that there's no reason why I shouldn't have straight As, or have a clean room, or dress appropriately, or any of the stuff that he hated. So I always had this feeling, you know, like there must be something wrong with me. He used to say, "You dont' apply yourself. You're not trying hard enough."
So you feel like you have work harder to make it all right.
Yes. And you know, I mean, like my first husband, he would come home and I would try to read his face. Will this be a good day? A bad day? because I mean, if it was a bad day, I was better off just going to bed. If it was a bad day, I was going to get hit, or shoved, or thrown, at some time during that night, even if I did nothing at all.
Yes. And you know, I know it's rediculous. I mean, I have some insight - in my own practice, I see this kind of behavior in people who have grown up with parents who rage, or are alcoholics...they grow up with this constant desperation to try to ease, soothe, fix. So I know it's wrong . But no matter what my self-talk is, the feeling won't go away, the worry, the dread.
So in your day, what percentage of time would you say you spend worrying about these types of things.
In my waking day? Well, let's see. I'm awake about 16 hours, I guess, so maybe, between 20 and 25%.
I'm going to give you something - it's a picture of the response of the body during a panic phase . I want you to study it, and we'll talk about it next week. I'm also giving you some questions to ask yourself when you find yourself worrying. Fill these in, and we'll talk about those next week.
...
I also want you to study these questions to ask yourself when you worry.
