Sell-outs.

I've spent the better part of the past week re-telling the medicaid administrator for this state what I had already told them.
This, for the record, is a for-profit company.  The longer they can hold onto money, the more money they make.  For instance:

• I told them that a patient had a history of running away, including from treatment, and had attempted suicide 3 times, and was once found stoned, wondering down the highway (on foot).  They asked me to "please specify the patient's high risk behaviors".
• I told them that another patient had been raped more than once as a child, was hypervigilant, tried not to think about it, avoided things that reminded her of it, had nightmares about it, and drank heavily to forget about it . I was then asked, "please specify the details regarding this patient's diagnosis of PTSD." 
• I told them about a boy with Asperger's disorder who needs hospitalization because he keeps punching himself in the face when he's angry, and if that doesn't make him feel better, he starts punching the wall and anyone around him.  He's about 6' too, so that's pretty formidable.  They wanted to know if I had "met him face-to-face."  

They do this shit to delay treatment for a day or two, that way more interest can be earned on their money, money money for their stockholders. 

There's one person in particular, who is a local, in charge of "utilization and review" for this company.  That's corporatespeak for, "try to pay as little in claims as possible" or, "hang onto the money a day or so longer"

Turns out, she and I know some of the same people.  She's got the same kind of license I do.  Things I'd like to say to her include Tell me, when exactly did you sell out? 

and: When did you decide, "hey, what I really want in life is a job where I deprive children and the disabled of the care that they need?"  


or what it: "When I grow up, I want to work for a company that sucks so badly that small health providers are forced to close their doors due to lack of payment, and the state sanctions them...and then finally tells them that they are fired as of this next summer."


Are you some kind of derranged Republican asshole who things that adding several more layers between treatment and patient will surely make things more efficient?

I'm glad the state has put your company on notice and that you'll be replaced soon.  I hope you have a real hard time finding a job.  I hope you suffer, you sell-out.  I sure as crap wouldn't hire you. I don't trust you do act in the best interest of patients.

Signed,
That hippie you keep emailing stupid questions.
...

Uh. Yeah.

I have a job that I love.

I'm good at it.

They love me.  In fact, I was told that I was awesome.

I've talked about it nonstop at home, to you: I've told you how I love it, how they think I'm awesome.  How, for the first time, I feel like a professional, and like I'm doing something that is just mine.  All mine.

Why on earth would you tell me that there's a job opening where you work, that has nothing to do with what I'm doing, and that you've had the idea that I should apply for it?  Then get all pissy when I tell you that I don't want to apply for it?

"It's double the money," you said.

So now I feel like shit, because I'm the selfish one.

Well.

I spent my kids entire childhood working in public schools so that I could be a better mother.  I picked up kids from school, went to school meetings, usually alone.

I was the one in charge of children, all day long, mine and everyone else's.  I was the one who put my life on hold, for twenty years.  Me.

When my friends were in college, I was wiping noses and changing diapers, making people feel good, and being there.  Just being there.  When my family needed me.

I watched the world around me, the people in that I knew, start their careers, change their careers.  Live their lives.  Go places.  Have experiences.
My friends went to graduate school and started doing the things they love.  When my kids were going through puberty and slamming doors at me, I was getting postcards from everywhere.

I waited until I was old enough to have to compete for jobs against girls fresh out of grad school and nearly 20 years younger than me.  I put together graduate school, and experiences, and developed an area of expertise that quite frankly, is a critical need.  I spend my days solving riddles and changing lives.

And I'm good at it.  Really good at it.  All those experiences and education converged to form a professional--me--who knows kids, can talk to parents, and has a nice wealth of knowledge to do a job properly.
People I work with, who have been in the field longer, are asking my advice.
I thought you heard the pride and excitement in my voice.  I thought you were proud of me, too.  You seemed enthusiastic.

I've had parents hug me because I told them that there kid didn't have some intractable mental illness, when some other dufus had.  I give people hope.  I've had people consult with me from places around the state.

And I thought that you heard me.  I thought that you actually respected me for being good at something important, something I loved, something I was trained for, where I was respected.  What else is there?  You've live with me for how long now?

So how could you be so thick, so dense, as to say, "hey, here's this job that is nowhere near your interest, experience, or expertise.  It's tangentially related to your line of work, but it's higher pay, and it's where I I work, so you should apply for it"

Why on earth would you even think to do that, except that you don't really think that what I'm doing is serious, or important?  How could you not see that when you did this, you clearly were not taking me and my work seriously?

Well

You're pretty fucking insensitive.

You bet I'm pissed.

....

Dear Carrie,

Did they lie to you? Did they lie and tell you that you could be America's spokesperson? Poor baby. That wasn't very nice of them.

Oh, you are just so very, very pretty. But sweetie, being pretty and a Special Ed major does not qualify you to speak about anything other than Special Ed and makeup. Your parents should not have given you mixed messages, teaching you wholesome abstinence while allowing you to be commercially photographed partially nude. Now there are images all over the Interent of you in your ass-pants, looking over your shoulder as us coyly. They will never go away. It's clear to us that you have no problems selling your sexuality. But it's not your fault; this is how you've been trained, to be desireable. I've seen the pageant upbringing. It's very sad. So sad.

And then your oh, so incoherent answer, about being happy to live in a country where "everyone can choose between opposite or same marriage" ... honestly I'm mystified as to why anyone is upset, or being so hard on you...after all, I realize that you are, quite simply, quite simple.

At this point, your brain is just now fully developed, and you simply parrot the views of all the people who have brainwashed you for 22 years. If pressed, the only reason you can give for your beliefs is that, “this is what I believe,” or more pithily, ‘I can feel it in my heart; God speaks to me through His Word and I know that His World is Truth.” Yes. You will.

But darling. You can't run around selling your body to get people to look at you, and then try to get them to focus on your message of good, wholesome family values. It just doesn't work that way. You see, religion has made too much of sex, sexiness, and sexuality being bad, bad, bad. For thousands of years, they've told us that sex should not sell. No take-backs.

And now, I fear, you may no longer be the darling of the Christian world. Oh, it won't be obvious. Like poor, gay Ted, they'll pat you on the back and voice their support even as they roll their eyes, thinking, how fast can we drop this hot potato? and slowly, gently, getting as far away from you as they can.

Dear, we aren’t mocking your Christian faith. We’re mocking your ignorance. A brainwashed beauty that has yet to experience any suffering in the world, and yet you seek to be its spokesperson.

Carrie, go join the peace corps, and see suffering and truth. There is so much good to be done in the world, so much you can do, and you'll realize life is too short to give much thought to whether two men in love are threatening anything in your world. While you're at it, ask yourself, what kind of an omnicient being allows people to suffer? what kind of "plan" is that?

BTW, I do find it ironic that the pageant allows surgically enhanced women to parade around in high heels and bikinis but draws the line at their contestants being nude “or partially nude.” Which is kind of off topic, but there it is. Solidarity, sistah!

Anyway, Good luck, sweetie. It's a tough world. The best we can hope for in it is to be kind to one another, and to let people who love each other be allowed to love each other, without placing any kind of judgement on it based on the mass-delusion known as religion.

When you're all grown-up, you'll see that. As Judge Judy used to say, "Beauty fades, but dumb is forever."

Sincerely,

Herself
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