it's not the space that bugs me. It's the ability leave, to get out, to get to safety that bothers me. If it's not there, I'm not feeling safe. I don't like being where I can't get away...get home...get somewhere.
So, traffic. I avoid traffic. I don't mind the freeway, because where i live, it flows pretty well.
So, the grocery...I use the little carts, so that I can maneuver. I think what bothers me about it is that, there's all these things that could happen, so I need to be able to get out of there quickly.
What about traveling? you have to be gone from home for a long time...how do you manage that?
I'm always with Himself. He takes care of everything. No matter what I need, he'll get it for me. He's safety. I'll go anywhere with him.
Is there anything you absolutely won't do because it's so uncomfortable, this feeling of not getting away/
Uh, well, hell yeah. I won't cycle. Not with friends. I've been stranded, I've had accidents, you're clipped into this stupid contraption and if you decide to go off in a different directions, you can't always do it those tiny wheels restrict your travel surface. So does the traffic. Not with running. You can pretty much run anywhere.
But didn't you tell me you were having panic attacks before big runs? What are you thinking then?
Sometimes. I like to be close to home, or to the car.
What do you imagine will happen? What do you do to prevent it from happening?
So, to be safe on long runs, I'll take a whole bunch of shit with me. TP, inhaler, whatever I might need. Money. Bottles. Still. it's not easy.
Have you ever tried to travel alone?
Yes, but I had a lot with me, way more than I needed, just in case.
How do you manage being in places where time isn't a constant...like at the hair dressers?
I create a huge cushion around the time, so that there is no chance of me being late anywhere else. I hate being late. I hate it when people make me late. I guess, what it all boils down to, is that I hate being hindered in any way.
Hey. Maybe that's why I get so bitchy when Himself makes me late for something. it's being confined, it's being, well, held back.
What do you imagine will happen as a result of being late?
I imagine....I imagine, well, that I'll be...um, well, not on time. It's not the late. It's the feeling that I'm being prevented from being where I need to be. When I'm late, I'm rushed. I hate that.
Hmm. So here we have: I don't like being hindered. That explains a lot, I guess.
