Resiliance.

The kid sat across from me, slumped in his chair. He'd just heard from his aunt about how he argues a lot. And....that's about it. THAT was her big complaint. Then, as an afterthought, before she left me alone with him, she mentioned that he told her he wanted to die.

do you still want to die?

he shrugged.

"dunno."

then...

"I mean, I wouldn't do anything to myself. But maybe if, you know, I was walking in the street, and saw a bus coming down on me...maybe I wouldn't work that hard to get out of the way."

Why do you hate your life so much?

he thought about that.

"It's not that I hate my life. I just hate this life. I wish I had my old life back."

what was different about your old life?

He thought about that, too. "My mom used to be fun. I wish she was like she used to be. She used to do things. Now all she does is take her pills, sleep, and yell."

His mom doesn't work. She lives with various relatives. This month, she's living with an aunt, who lives on disability. Ms. Thing can't hold a job. Ms. Thing pulled him out of school because she's was mad at the school. He wished he could go back. He misses his friends.

He's pretty sure they're getting ready to move. Again.

He knows they're poor. He knows because his mother reminds him, daily, of how poor they are. Reminds him that if it weren't for him she wouldn't be so poor.

He shares a room with a cousin who is constantly stoned. He's tried it a couple of times. He likes how it makes him feel.

"Sometimes, when I'm really mad at her, I make her pancakes and put lots of syrup on them."

???

"then when she passes out in her food, she wakes up with it all over her. "

Who do you talk to when you're sad or mad?

"I used to talk to my mom. But now it's like a contest with her, and she has to tell me how much more she suffers more than me" He kicked the floor.

It's the eve of his 11th Christmas.

Merry Christmas, kid.

...

New Purpose.

people evolve. Their needs change. I no longer need to rant about god stuff. I need to rant about other stuff.

I used to do psychiatric research, but now I'm doing assessments in a children's treatment facility.

And I have a lot of shit to bitch about. I'll bitch about this for a while, and then i'll bitch about that. I need a place to do it. Lucky you!

Last week, I worked on a case file for a kid. When he was 12, he lost his grandmother, whom he adored. He's also been abused. When asked by a nurse if he ever saw anything unusual, he said that he saw his dead grandmother: she visited him during the 2 months right after she died. At midnight. No other hallucinations or sightings.

The person interviewing him was a nurse. For the record, nurses have no business making mental health diagnoses. It isn't their fucking field. This nurse slapped a diagnosis of "psychotic disorder, NOS" on this kid. Bitch. The kid was dreaming about his grandmother, and she tells him he's psychotic. He got put on antipsychotics, and now has this label dogging him.

I've had a year and a half of training in how to diagnose people. I still look things up, and read research. I have 6 years of graduate school and specialized training that covers psychometry, behavioral health diagnosis, therapeutic interventions, and neuropsychology. I know a little about a lot, but I know a lot about behavioral health.

Some other rants:

• To the social worker who tentatively diagnosed a 9 year old with Reactive Attachment Disorder because he's shy and hides his face when he's anxious: you stupid cunt. Take a class, and read a book. Reactive Attachment Disorder has to manifest before 5 years old. And it's severe. Kids who have it are scary, mean, vengeful kids. They hurt people. They set fires. They feel no remorse. It's the kid version of sociopathy. It's incredibly impairing, and it's also rare. Stick to what you know, and go do some fucking case management.
  
• To the mother whose 15-year-old bipolar son refuses treatment, and is allowed to by, law, and then comes over and beats you up: CALL THE COPS. EVERY TIME. Stay out of my office. Your kid is allowed by law to refuse treatment. It's fucked up, but there it is. Save yourself and your other children. Have his ass thrown in jail.
  
• To the mother who wants to get her daughter psychiatric treatment because she doesn't like her attitude, SHE'S A TEENAGER. IT'S DEVELOPMENTALLY APPROPRIATE FOR HER TO BE A LITTLE SNOTTY. Go get a pedicure. And a clue.
  
• To the nurse who thinks she's doing "therapy" and making psychiatric diagnoses, go put in an IV or something. Mental health is not your job.

More to come.

...

I broke my kid. Can you fix her?

She sat in the chair, slumped back, arms crossed, sullen.  Staired out the window.

"Have you ever had anything scary or really bad happen to you?"

Shrug.  "I don't know.  Maybe."

"When it happened, did you feel like you couldn't stop thinking about it?"

Shrug.

Her father had brought her in.  He sat across from me, with a tear tattoo under his eye.  He's in his 40s, and the tattoo is old, dating back to when it only met that one had committed murder. 

He was wearing one of those wrinkled cloth hats.  I don't know what they're called.  I see them on young musicians.  Except he isn't a young musician; he 's a former gang banger who seemed amazed that his kids were completely out of control.  He told me that he and his wife fought physically, binged on alcohol and crack cocaine, unti he was sent to prison when his daughter was seven.  While he was gone, his wife became homeless, and divorced him.  His daughter went to live with various relatives.  He got out 8 years later.

So why was here here?

"Well, she has a bad attitude.  Talks back, won't do her chores.  Sometimes she runs away and stays gone for more than a week. " 

Oh.  You THINK? He brought this broken girl in, and asked for super glue.  Actually, he asked for residential treatment. He's been putting her off on relatives for her whole life, and now when the real parenting begins, he can't handle it.  Child protective services just took his kid with his new girlfriend.  His other kids are all in prison, but "they're doing really well there".  Shit. He just needs, he tells me, time to get his head together.

He seemed, I shit you not, MYSTIFIED by his daughter's lack of respect.

"You know that her life has been pretty chotic, right?  You're aware that this causes kids to form maladaptive patterns of behavior?

It was his turn to shrug. "I made mistakes.  I can't help that. Can't take them back."

So then I was alone with Miss Thing.  She had makeup caked on, painted eyebrows, dark lipliner.  It took me 45 minutes just to get her to answer some questions. For fun, she "parties".  Likes to binge on Bacardi.  She spoke softly, and always seemed to be on the verge of tears.   She doesn't know of any other hobbies.  What are those?

Out of the blue, she said, "you know, sometimes, I wonder why my family can't be more like TV familes.  she said  "nobody is really a family for me.  Everyone just has their own life.  It's so fucked--sorry--messed up."

"Don't apologize.  You can say what you want in here."

Before she left that day, she asked to put her in treatment foster care. Asked for it.

She sounded tired.  How do you get so tired when you're only fifteen?

That's how much you've fucked up your family, Mr. oh, so cool man.  Mr. Scary tear tattoo man.

Strangers, unmet, are preferable to you.

God's Diagnostic formulation.

So, in honor of the holiday season, I've been reading the bible today. Particularly, Deuteronomy, Leviticus, and Exodus. In these The god of Abraham (GOA) throws down very specific rules. I've been using these as ammunition to argue with "People of Faith" who are against same-sex marriage, a little side hobby of mine in which I frequently get to a question they can't answer, and then they abandon the discussion or resort to name-calling. Of note, I have been called a bible-hater, gay-lover, dyke, fag, bitch, "lost soul" and countless other names by God's People. Why do I do this? Because it's fun. I like drama, as long as I get to control its level of intrusion into my life.
So, anyway. The bible.
Over and over again, GOA says, "I am a jealous god, you shall have no others" We read this over and over and over again. He also has a propensity to destroy things by fire, flood and pestulance, but curiously, after the flood, he was all, "Whoops, I'm never going to do that again!" (Gen. 9:11)
These things that you are not to EVER, EVER do according to the bible:

• Deuteronomy 22:5 Ladies, NO MANLY CLOTHES. THAT MEANS get rid of those boy-shorts and pants!
• Leviticus 19:16 Gossip. (this would be the hardest of all of these for me to follow. )
• Leviticus 19:19 Wear clothing made of two kinds of material.
• Leviticus 19:23 Avoid eating anything you planted the first four years after you’ve moved (the third year, you're supposed to harvest it and then set it out as an offering to GOA.
• Leviticus 19:26 Eat meat “rare”
• Leviticus 19:27 Cut your hair (and men, NO SHAVING)
• Leviticus 20:18 Make whoopee during your period (or be with a woman during her period).
• Leviticus 20:22 Eat or participate in Native American traditions, including their art or medicine.
• Leviticus 11:29, 20:25-26 Eat/take any of the following forbidden foods: pork products, frog’s legs, turtle soup, rattlesnake, shrimp, crayfish, mussles, shrimp, scallops, calamari, crab, escargot, clams, oysters, lobster, Glucosamine, Oyster-shell calcium.
• Leviticus 27:32, Numbers 18:26, Deuteronomy 14:22: Give a tenth of your income over to God.
• Leviticus 21:6 No cripples or ugly people leading in church sacraments and services. (Pretty, whole people only.)

So. He throws world-wide temper-tantrums, with disastrous results. He gave you free will, and tempted you, then you yielded to temptation, so now you're going to hell!! And he knew you would do that! But wait, he loves you!! He's your father. No wait, he's your son. No wait, he's a SPIRIT!
Anyway. Based on all past history, I offer a provisional diagnosis of borderline personality disorder, with narcissistic tendencies.
Borderline personality disorder: Usually involves unusual levels of instability in mood, "black and white" thinking, chaotic and unstable relationships with otehrs, unstable self-image and identify, unpredictable and chaotic behavior.

Narcisism: this involves a person who feels in all areas of life that he is better than others in every way. The narcissist has a constant need for admiration, and lack of empathy, and a constant preoccupation with personal adequacy, power, and prestige, and is often referred to as, "the god complex".

Recommended treatment plan:
1) Referral to psychiatrist for a mood stabilizer and/or anti-depressant
2) Group therapy with emphasis on social skills training
3) Cognitive-behaviorally-based individual therapy focusing on confronting inconsistencies in thought and behavior, "thought-stopping" techniques to control destructive impulses, and relaxation techniques.
Of course, it will never work. GOA doesn't have a job that pays, doesn't qualify for medicaid (too much in assets) and his followers don't believe in universal health converage. He'll most likely wind up homeless or living alone in a squallid apartment, bitching and moaning about how he's surrounded by assholes.

Yeah, I know. 

I'm going to hell. 
...

Faces in strange places.

So a while back, apparently there's this tree with a pattern in the bark, some place, which some of the local residents think is the image of their dearly departed mayor.



Hmmm. Well, I gotta hand it to 'em - it's a face.

He had a face.

BINGO! It must be him.

Now of COURSE, some people think it's Jesus. Of COURSE they do. After all, he had a face.

I read a book recently about how people - oh wait, it was by Richard Dawkins - will often see faces in the most random of patterns. We're programmed to do that.  Personally, I think it looks like this guy.


But then again...what about this guy?


c'mon. He's got a face. he's even pointed the right way. 
Oh, snap!  I got it!

it's clearly THIS GUY.

...

Dear Carrie,

Did they lie to you? Did they lie and tell you that you could be America's spokesperson? Poor baby. That wasn't very nice of them.

Oh, you are just so very, very pretty. But sweetie, being pretty and a Special Ed major does not qualify you to speak about anything other than Special Ed and makeup. Your parents should not have given you mixed messages, teaching you wholesome abstinence while allowing you to be commercially photographed partially nude. Now there are images all over the Interent of you in your ass-pants, looking over your shoulder as us coyly. They will never go away. It's clear to us that you have no problems selling your sexuality. But it's not your fault; this is how you've been trained, to be desireable. I've seen the pageant upbringing. It's very sad. So sad.

And then your oh, so incoherent answer, about being happy to live in a country where "everyone can choose between opposite or same marriage" ... honestly I'm mystified as to why anyone is upset, or being so hard on you...after all, I realize that you are, quite simply, quite simple.

At this point, your brain is just now fully developed, and you simply parrot the views of all the people who have brainwashed you for 22 years. If pressed, the only reason you can give for your beliefs is that, “this is what I believe,” or more pithily, ‘I can feel it in my heart; God speaks to me through His Word and I know that His World is Truth.” Yes. You will.

But darling. You can't run around selling your body to get people to look at you, and then try to get them to focus on your message of good, wholesome family values. It just doesn't work that way. You see, religion has made too much of sex, sexiness, and sexuality being bad, bad, bad. For thousands of years, they've told us that sex should not sell. No take-backs.

And now, I fear, you may no longer be the darling of the Christian world. Oh, it won't be obvious. Like poor, gay Ted, they'll pat you on the back and voice their support even as they roll their eyes, thinking, how fast can we drop this hot potato? and slowly, gently, getting as far away from you as they can.

Dear, we aren’t mocking your Christian faith. We’re mocking your ignorance. A brainwashed beauty that has yet to experience any suffering in the world, and yet you seek to be its spokesperson.

Carrie, go join the peace corps, and see suffering and truth. There is so much good to be done in the world, so much you can do, and you'll realize life is too short to give much thought to whether two men in love are threatening anything in your world. While you're at it, ask yourself, what kind of an omnicient being allows people to suffer? what kind of "plan" is that?

BTW, I do find it ironic that the pageant allows surgically enhanced women to parade around in high heels and bikinis but draws the line at their contestants being nude “or partially nude.” Which is kind of off topic, but there it is. Solidarity, sistah!

Anyway, Good luck, sweetie. It's a tough world. The best we can hope for in it is to be kind to one another, and to let people who love each other be allowed to love each other, without placing any kind of judgement on it based on the mass-delusion known as religion.

When you're all grown-up, you'll see that. As Judge Judy used to say, "Beauty fades, but dumb is forever."

Sincerely,

Herself
---

Duh.

The January 2009 issue of Pediatrics. Janet Rosembaum, Ph.D. in a study of over 1000 adolescents studied the effects of abstinence-only education.

Dr. Rosenbaum followed a group of students who were over the age of 15 in 1996 and who had made the pledge to be abstinent. She compared them with a group that did not make that pledge, in a longitudnal, matched-subject design.

Subjects were matched on a variety of factors, including religiosity (theirs and their parents), friend's attitudes, and available information.

Results:

• 5 years after the pledge, 82% of the pledgers denied ever making the pledge.
• There was no difference between the groups in the rate of premarital sex between pledgers and non-pledgers.
• There was no difference between the groups in lifetime number of sexual partners, types of sexual activity, or number of STDs.
• There was a statistically signficant difference found in use of birth control: fewer pledgers used birth control and condoms in the past year.

Among the author's conclusions: "Clinicians should provide brith control information to all adolescents, especially virginity pledgers."

This should make you feel better if all the self-righteous virgins in high school ever called you a slut.

...